You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize