ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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