I want to have your abortion
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
