I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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