White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
