Please, let me fuck your mom
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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