He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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