That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
