It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
