I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
