I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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