i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
