i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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