I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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