saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
