I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
