Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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