Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
