How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
