I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
