Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize