so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
