Pants 0. Shit 1.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
