my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
