Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize