The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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