I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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