11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
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The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
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Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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