Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
