they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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