nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
foreskin is a definite game changer
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
