in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
