I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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