i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around