Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
