Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Two words: blizzard sex
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
