"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He felt like a one man threesome
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
And then he peed in my hair
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