he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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