If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
