Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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