2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
