I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
