So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
