it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
what day is it and did you see me today?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
