I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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