never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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