I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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