True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
this beer tastes like vomit already
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
