he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
