im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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