Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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