My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
