3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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