Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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