I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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