Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
