Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
