Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
