i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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