Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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