i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
