God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
